Roll on 2007

My last few blogs have been very miserable. I feel like I'm moaning all the time - but things haven't been great... and just this last week they reached an all time low.

Our wonderful monster of a moggy Milo died on Christmas Eve. We have no idea what happened. He went out on the Saturday evening - and didn't come back. both our cats come in at night and always come when we call them. It was bitterly cold that night - the frost was thick on the ground. And we both knew something was very wrong when Milo still wasn't home by midnight. Mike went looking for him with the torch but couldn't find him. I waited up all night for him but there was still no sign, so on Sunday morning (Christmas Eve) I went out looking for him as soon as it was light enough to see. I was heading back to the house when Mike called to say that he'd found our little baby dead in the field behind our house.

Needless to say we are absolutely devastated.

We buried him at my parents house that same day. It sounds strange but we both needed to get it done - having him there, not wanting to let him go was very hard. Putting him in the ground and actually saying goodbye was even harder.

Our two pussy cats Smudge and Milo have always been a hugely important part of our lives - and we've lost an important member of our family.

I know a few people reading this will be thinking - it was just a cat!

But he wasn't just a cat to us.

• He was a mischievous little trouble maker.


• A monster.


• Master mouse catcher - Milo the Merciless!


• He was my little baby - suckling on my earlobes when he needed a cuddle.


• He was brilliant and very funny.


• He loved mashed tatties and gravy.


• His favourite toy was a stuffed tiger he used to carry around in his mouth as a kitten.


• He loved to pounch on anything that moved.


• He didn't meow - he talked. We'd have lengthy conversations about our days.


• He made a funny little bird noise - too lazily to open his mouth to meow properly.


• He only purred when he exhaled.


• He always told you when he wanted to go to bed - and would expect you to join him. If you didn't he would complain loudly.


• He loved to torment Smudge.


• His favourite movie was Ice Age - but he loved animal programs as well.


• He was terrified of the hoover.


• He had the biggest paws I've ever seen in a cat - in fact he was HUGE!


• He was gorgeous.

And we have some very fond and very sad memories of him. He would have been 3 in June and although the time we had with him was very special it was way too short.

Anyway - Christmas has been very sad this year. I'm looking forward to a New Year - and a new start. I think I need it.

Reflecting

Well, I've just read through my last few entries. It's amazing how time has flown in... and how much things have changed in such a short space of time.

I can't believe it's only been a couple of months since Mike joined me up North and we started our new life together. It's certainly been a rollercoaster - and that's putting it mildly.

I've always been one to have strong impressions of situations, people and places. I can usually pick up 'vibes' about people but I never trust my instincts. I really should have - again!

My new job turned into a nightmare and reading back on previous posts I think I knew right from the start that it wasn't for me. The job has been stressful, demanding and have put pressure on my relationships, making our new start here more of a up hill struggle than it needed to be. Starting a new life, moving home and leaving behind everything you've known is a massive upheaval at the best of times - so having a job that makes you feel down, anxious and full of despair is not the best way to ease yourself into things.

To be fair I don't think I can blame anyone but myself - although my boss is a bully...plain and simple. She is a woman who has no concept of how her actions effect others; demanding your full attention, commitment and your dedication for no thanks or encouragement. I was told the job would be difficult and that she was a nightmare to work for - but I guess I just didn't realise how much of a nightmare it would be.

I started to get panic attacks - to dread my next day at work. I was in tears constantly, at the thought of having to spend a single minute more in that office. I've had my confidence dashed and my faith in human spirit shaken. How can people be so selfish? To think that they are more important than anyone else? Is mankind really so shallow?

Anyway - things came to a very dramatic head a week past Friday when I had a massive panic attack and ended up at the doctors. I know it sounds melodramatic but I was keenly aware that my sanity was hanging by a thread... that I was very close to 'loosing it' in a big way. And I've never been so terrified in my life.

It probably sounds ridiculas. To get so overwhelmed by the stress of a job that you feel like you're going crazy. but that was me - and I'm only now just starting to feel more like myself again.

I've been signed off work for four weeks - I know I'm not going back... my boss knows I'm not going back. And to be honest I think we're both as pleased as each other. It's a difficult thing knowing that you're not wanted, or really liked, but I guess I learnt a long time ago that you can't be liked all of the time. People are different - personalities clash - life goes on.